Vulnerable

The year 2020 has ended. It has been a hell of its own. I feel like I am stuck in a never-ending cycle. I am searching for my exit where I can get out alive. I do not know where I went wrong. All I did was fall in love, get married, and have children.  I did everything that everyone expected of me. It started as a fairytale and turned into an inescapable nightmare.

Each morning I wake with a knot in the pit of my stomach. I believe this physical feeling is based upon how alone I feel.  Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings in the world. This feeling is not to be confused with loneliness. Loneliness “is a state of distress or discomfort that results when one perceives a gap between one’s desires for social connection and actual experiences of it” (Psychology Today). My feeling alone is not a desire for social connection. I am very connected socially to family, friends, and co-workers.  Feeling alone, for me, comes from having the person who has taken an oath before God, family, and friends, ‘to love, honor, and protect me until death do us part,’ openly refuse to honor his commitment. The man of my dreams, the man I saw a future with, the man I wanted to grow old with, is the very person who is causing me so much mental, physical, and emotional anguish. I cannot begin to wrap my head around the how or why. All I want to do is to wake up tomorrow and be free from all of this. 

I have a new plan for my life. It starts with me living my life without the stress caused by his underhandedness. I believe the only way to get any reprieve from all his psychological intimidation is actually to die. He has justified all the things he has done to me in his mind as if I truly deserve them. Who deserves this type of torture when you could leave and move on without a second thought? It would hurt, but it would be beneficial for both of us in the long run.  I did not recognize in the beginning that the slight insults were a form of verbal abuse.  The verbal abuse got so bad that it is constantly on replay in my mind from every time he told me no one else would ever want you; you would not have anything if it were not for me; have you contributed anything to the relationship? It got so bad that he tried to punish/torture me in my own home. He started by taking the Keurig and moving it to the basement to stop me from making my morning cup of coffee. This man took an $80 coffee maker to punish me. He took the showerhead out of the shower. I guess he thought I would not bathe or get a replacement. He took my clothes and shoes out of my closet. I have no idea where he placed them. This man tried his hardest to break me. He has even gone as far as turning down the thermostat on one of the coldest days of the year and locking it. Not only was he punishing me, but also he was trying to punish OUR children. He took the cable boxes out of the children’s rooms and my room.  I recognize these are material things, and I could replace them, but I do not know if my sanity can be replaced. 

I have no idea where this hate came from and why it is directed toward me. Can you imagine the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with just up and turning on you, treating you as if you do not matter or as if your well-being is of no importance? Can you imagine the father of your children punishing your children because of choices he has made and solely knowing that it is the easiest way to break you?  At every opportunity, he has abused me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. He has me questioning my beliefs and myself. Do you know what it is like to have to question who you are and if you deserve the things that are happening to you? Do you know the pain to try to recall what you have done in a past life to deserve such foul treatment to a person who promised they would never hurt you? Do you know how hard it is to admit that you have questioned whether this is worth the fight?  I feel as if I have been taken for granted while being humiliated; is that even possible? 

I have shared my experiences with family and close friends, and they all give me the same advice, LEAVE!  They are consistently asking me why I stay; why did I not leave earlier before things escalated? I do not know the answers to any of those questions.  Maybe I believed I was at fault. Maybe I believed that he would change back into the man I fell in love with. Maybe I believed I could change to be the woman that he wanted. I find myself searching for answers to their questions, and the question I ask myself daily, how did I get here? 

I decided today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I will no longer let his thoughts and actions determine my thoughts and actions. I am valued, and I am loved. I am now in the process of making the appropriate plans to depart with my children safely.  I realize that I not only want to live, but I want to LIVE my best life. No more tears.  No more second-guessing my decisions and life choices.  I will no longer be a victim; I am a SURVIVOR.  Today, upon waking to a New Year full of potential, I looked in the mirror, and I actually smiled, and I saw a glimpse of the woman I could be. I smiled at her and told her she is valued, important, and loved, and she can do anything! I reminded her that I am on my way and nothing will stop me from moving forward.